


Mything the Point : Loki's Quarrel

by rainbowdaikaiju



Series: Mything the Point [1]
Category: Norse Religion & Lore
Genre: Cussing, Implied/Referenced Incest, Lokasenna, Other, Retelling, Sexual Content, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-23
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-16 17:46:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4634472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowdaikaiju/pseuds/rainbowdaikaiju
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ægir throws a party for the gods and doesn't invite Loki. Chaos ensues.</p>
<p>This is a retelling of the Lokasenna. I have tagged it "transphobia" because of an argument Loki and Odin have. I know judging these things isn't so simple and requires cultural and historical understanding, but I felt it could be triggering for some people and should be tagged for that reason.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mything the Point : Loki's Quarrel

Once upon a time (as opposed to, you know, something in a temporal loop that happened/is happening/will happen over and over and over upon a time), this giant named Ægir was hosting a party for the gods, as one does. Loki didn't get an invite. So Loki's walking along, sees something's going on, and asks this dude Eldir what's up.

Eldir's like, "Ægir's hosting a party for the gods."

Loki's like, "My invite must have gotten lost in the mail! What are they all talking about?"

Eldir's like, "Nothin' much. Just god stuff. Weapons, ale... weapons...ale."

Loki's like, "ME?!"

At this point, Eldir's like... _sideye_ , "No."

This is when Loki decides he's going to go in there and wreck this party. Eldir warns him he better be able to take whatever he can dish, but Loki is Loki and gives no fucks.

Loki doesn't so much "walk in" as he ARRIVES! The hall is full of chatter and laughter and all kinds of wonderful sounds that suddenly cease to exist. There aren't even any crickets. Everybody is doing their "if we don't let on that we see him, maybe he won't see us" bit, except the one guy in the corner doing his "maybe he'll mistake me for a statue and keep going" bit. But Loki is socially unacceptable, not an idiot. He knows they know he knows what's going on. So he's like, "Ægir! What kind of host are you that you're not offering me a seat and some ale?"

Let's just stop for a minute and look at how this party is going to turn out. If we apply the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics, we have no way of knowing right now how anyone will respond to Loki or what Loki will do when he hears their response. This could be a fabulous get-together, everyone could exchange phone numbers before they go home, and there will be way too many stories involving goats and ropes tied around somebody's genitals the next time they meet for coffee! It could also be a disaster. Because we can't see which it is, it's kind of both. This is a fabulous disaster!

Erwin Schrödinger didn't get an invitation to this party, either, and he reminds us one should not attempt to apply how quantum mechanics work to things like cats or parties, else you run the risk of setting off a zombocalypse. This party is a big, juicy shit sandwich for everybody who isn't Loki. Honestly, I think we all knew that's what happens. I don't feel bad about not using a spoiler warning here.

So, here we are... Loki has just demanded that his non-existent invitation to the party be honored. He's not having any of this "everybody ignore him and maybe he'll just leave" crap, so he says, "You can tell me where to sit my ass down, or you can tell me not to let the doorknob hit it as I leave."

Bragi steps up and just straight-up says, "You're not invited. By which I mean, the omission of your name on the guest list was not an oversight."

Setting the tone for the rest of the evening, Loki just looks right the eff past Bragi and says to Odin, "Aw man, Odin! Remember back in the day when we adopted each other as blood brothers? And you were all like, 'Nobody is ever pouring me any mead again unless they bring a big ol' cup for my bro Loki, too!' AWESOME ADVENTURES, O!" And Bragi's just standing there making a face because, A. Loki just fucking treated him like he was not even there, and B. Loki knows Bragi knows old tales of epic adventures. Bragi's a skald.

Odin just wants to make this go away. Loki, the situation, a need to address it... whatever. All that needs to go away, replace it with more mead. So he tells his son Vidar to give Loki his seat so he'll STFU and everybody can get back to the party. Loki's not done with Bragi yet, though. Vidar is pouring him a drink, and Loki is making a toast to all the gods, everyone gathered in the hall, all his friends, enemies, and frenemies... except Bragi. He is very clear about this. He pretty much ends the toast with, "But not Bragi. By which I mean, the omission of Bragi in this toast was not an oversight."

Now, there's a lot of cultural stuff going on under all the shade Loki's throwing. (That's going to be true for the rest of the story.) Loki's not behaving honorably by insulting Ægir's guest... not toward Bragi, not toward Ægir. That's kind of a key thing here. It's not just about the target of your insults, but also about the fact that this shit is going on in your host's house. Whatever Bragi may think Loki deserves for this behavior, he still has to consider the fact that he's not in his own home. "Loki started it!" is not an acceptable defense for acting like an ass in someone else's house. So Bragi makes a big show of what he'd offer so that the gods understand he has no ill will against anybody just because Loki's a douche canoe and didn't include him in all the blessings and well-wishes. He'd gladly pay them on Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Wait, no, wrong story!

Bragi would give up a horse, a sword, and maybe even let slip the dogs of war if that would show everyone he is totes cool with them. And Loki's like, "Oh, that's good. That is really, awesomely good! I mean, it WOULD be if, y'know, you weren't such a coward and all." Everybody just kind of looks at him, so he figures he maybe ought to amend that. "I'm not saying Bragi is a COWARD coward! I'm just saying...he has some cowardly ways. Like, running from battle and hiding under rocks. That kind of stuff."

So, of course, Bragi threatens to cut off Loki's head because he's never compared notes with dwarves on how things like that work, and Loki tells Bragi he's not really good for much except looking at and isn't worth much for that.

Bragi's wife, Idunn, now demonstrates that she did not learn from Odin's mistake, and tries to make the situation go away. She asks Bragi to, please - for the love of friends and family - just let this drop and don't be seen arguing with Loki in Ægir's halls again. If we pause the tape here you can actually pinpoint the exact moment when Loki's attention shifts from Bragi and lands right on Idunn and her apples.

"Aren't you the one who's so slutty she made out with the guy who killed her brother?"

Whether she did or not, and whether that should earn anyone the title of "slut" or not, Idunn's just going to stick to the End This Crap Now plan. She tells Loki she's not going to fight with him at Ægir's house, Bragi was just letting the ale do his talking for him and will be quiet now, and let's just have a nice party. And maybe it could have ended here (probably not, but you never know) if Gefjon hadn't decided to get involved.

Here's an interesting thing to know about Gefjon. There are some questions about who she might or might not be, due to how confusing names vs epithets can be to people centuries later. She might also be Frigg, and Frigg may well also be Freya. Which means Loki could very well be about to argue with this woman through several costume changes.

Gefjon says all this arguing is completely un-fucking-necessary, and that Loki was just kidding. She knows this because, she says, she knows that Loki knows everybody loves him.

If you just thought to yourself, "except Bragi", you deserve a cookie.

Loki soaks up all the love and says, "It's really funny that you're the goddess of PLOUGHING, what with how you once fucked a guy for a necklace."

Odin's tagging back in, and he's not on Team Keep the Peace anymore. "Seriously?! You are seriously going to start shit with a woman who has wisdom and knowledge of the fates of men on par with mine? She's basically me with tits, and you're going to start in with her? REALLY?!"

Loki never was on Team Keep the Peace, so...yeah. "You might as well be you with tits...you're soft enough on that whole 'fates of men' thing. Some dude sees blood on the battlefield and passes out, you're all, 'Aww, let's take him to Valhalla and give him some cookies and cuddles!'"

Odin and Loki know each other well, so this is like drunk family members arguing at Thanksgiving. Dirty laundry gets aired, and enough skeletons come out of closets that you could have an undead pride parade. "Okay, you know what? Even if that was true - and I'm not saying it is - but even if it was, that's just basically being nice. That's not some kind of perversion like living underground as a pregnant milkmaid for a few years!"

"Oh! Oh! So, let me get this straight! It's okay to do womanly things, but not to BE a woman...is that what you're saying? Because that would explain why you went traveling around Midgard, stickin' your dick here, there, and everywhere, while PRACTICING WOMEN'S SORCERY! So, yeah...let's talk about perversion, King Perv of Pervert Mountain."

Gefjon has put on her Frigg hat on and decides she's going to take another swing at making Team Keep the Peace work. If you think that's going to work, you maybe haven't noticed that Team Keep the Peace is getting shredded and is pretty much just one goddess with different hats holding up a scrap of banner that says "EEP" in the middle. Frigg's all, "I really think this is a good time to broadly apply that 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas' thing and just shush about everybody's past. Let's just enjoy the party that's happening now."

"Shush about the past? You mean things like you fucking your husband's brothers? That kind of 'in the past' stuff?"

If we've learned anything so far, it's that no one ever told the Æsir about not feeding the trolls.

Frigg makes the pitch with, "If my son Baldr was here right now, you'd shut your damned mouth! You'd never be able to stand up to someone like him!"

And Loki hits a home run with, "Lady, have you forgotten WHY your precious Baldr isn't here?"

I just...I can't even. Frigg can't even, either. This is so distressing to her that she goes to change clothes again and comes back dressed as Freya.

Freya tells Loki, "You are a genuine idiot to provoke someone who knows the fates of all men."

Again, socially unacceptable =/= idiot, and Loki has a comeback for this. Again, it revolves around sexual history. I'd say he's a "one trick pony", but there's a whole other story about that. "I know the fates of all men, too. To end up in bed with you."

"You're just pissing everybody off and you're gonna get your ass kicked."

"No, seriously...every dick in this hall, right now, has also been in your 'hall'. You got caught on top of your own damned brother, woman!"

Freya's father steps in, perhaps not really wanting to know what his children have or have not been doing with each other. (Not that there's any proof...Loki's kind of just throwing bombs out there and seeing what happens when they explode.) "There is nothing unnatural about a woman or a man or an elf or whoever having a little fun on the side! Everybody goes home happy and nobody needs to talk about it. Some dude giving birth? That's unnatural. Odin's right, and you're a pervert."

"Sir, I am sure this is not your fault at all, but maybe we shouldn't let you be the arbiter of what is and is not 'unnatural'. Your senses may have gotten a bit scrambled during your time as a hostage during the war when your mouth was being used as a literal fucking toilet."

Freya's dad, bless his heart, is doing his best here. "My son Freyr was born during that time, so I consider it an honor to have been able to serve as a hostage. I wouldn't change it at all. My son is a shining example of a man and I couldn't be more proud of him."

"Okay, but...you fathered Freyr with your own sister, didn't you? I mean, maybe you should be proud of him! Under the circumstances, you'd think he would have turned out a lot worse. Maybe even have a tail, or something."

At this point, you'd think somebody would have figured out Loki's just going to keep going and that the only way to win is not to play. Nope. Tyr, who has a history of sacrificing himself to save others, steps up. Loki, however, remembers that history a little differently and brings it up after Tyr tells him to shut his mouth.

"You want to talk about shutting mouths? Really? YOU want to talk about SHUTTING MOUTHS?! How's your hand, bro? Oops, my bad! You lost it because you wouldn't make an honest deal! 'What? This chain? Unbreakable? Psshh...no!'"

"How's your dog, Loki? Oh, right...he's got to stay in the pound until the end of the universe."

"Yeah, well... it's not like he's my only son. Ask your wife about that."

Freyr - recently of "Loki says your mom and dad are brother and sister" fame - speaks up to say Loki's going to end up bound to a rock until the end of the universe, too, if he doesn't cut this shit out. Does Loki have anything to say to that? Of course he does.

"So, the guest list for Ragnarök is going to be Fenris chained to a rock, me chained to a rock, and...Oh, look! There's you with no sword! Must be because you traded it away when you were hiring somebody to kidnap a wife for you."

This has all been going on for long enough that it's clear Team Keep the Peace lost, nobody is sure anymore about Team Sexual History, and Heimdallr has about fucking had enough. So he yells, "I have about fucking had enough! Loki! Why will you not stop running your drunken mouth?!"

Loki might be starting to run out of steam. All he's got at this point is, "Sucks to be you." Or he might just be saving the good stuff for the next person.

Skadi's all, "Freyr's right. Loki's all playful and shit now, but getting chained to a rock would shut him up. And fuck paying the dwarves for another chain! Just tie him up with the guts of one of those many sons he claims to have." She seems to have put some thought into this idea.

"Why so much venom dripping from your tongue, Skadi? That doesn't sound like those sweet nothings you whisper when we're in bed together." Yep. Loki was just saving it, after all.

Now, I have no clue what posessed Sif to do this, but she decides it's time to get her own self in trouble. You know Sif. Golden-haired Sif, wife of Thor. MAGIC golden hair, made by dwarves after Loki sheared her like a sheep...wife of Thor. She goes to pour Loki a drink and says, "Even you have to admit I'm not like the rest of them."

Well, no. He doesn't have to admit that. Loki takes a big swig from the drink she just poured him, sits back, and says, "That would be true, except...Well, speaking of women who have welcomed me into their bed. How's it going, Sif? Your hair looks nice."

This is about the time Thor shows up. He's Team Late to the Party. Probably had to go back home for his hammer. Loki and Thor bicker back and forth just like Loki's done with everybody else, but then Loki actually bows out this time. He tells everybody he's going to stop only for Thor because he knows Thor will make good on his threats...which is really just one last insult to everybody else. And on his way out he tells Ægir, "Fuck you, I hope this place burns to the ground and you never throw another party again."

So, really, the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics was right. This party WAS a fabulous disaster!

Loki turned himself into a salmon and hid in a waterfall, probably fathering and/or birthing lots of baby salmon. That could explain why bears eat salmon to grow big and strong. They're eating the descendents of a god. Like all the salmon the bears eat, Loki got caught. Not by a bear, but by all the people he'd pissed off that day. And they really liked Skadi's idea, so they found two of Loki's sons, turned one into a wolf (because apparently Loki didn't have enough wolf kids already) and had him tear his brother's intestines out in front of Loki, tied Loki to a rock with his own kid's intestines, and then turned the intestines into actual chains.

It's possible Loki pushed them all just a little too far this time.

As an added thank you for the "venom dripping from your tongue" comment, Skadi wrangled up a venomous serpent to drip acid onto Loki. Loki's wife tries to catch as much as possible in a bowl, but it's a bowl...not a portal to another dimension. It does have to be emptied now and then. While she's emptying the bowl, the serpent dribbles all over Loki and Loki goes thrashing around on the rock in extreme agony. That's where earthquakes come from.

I don't suggest you actually tell your kids that's where earthquakes come from. I don't suggest you tell kids this story at all.


End file.
